Life After Loss

November 30, 2025

For those who have been walking beside us, or quietly following our journey—thank you. Sharing pieces of our IVF story and our grief isn’t easy, but writing helps me make sense of it all. It helps me honor Jack, remember our why, and stay connected through the hardest chapters. If you’re here reading this, thank you for holding space for us as we navigate hope, heartbreak, and everything in between.

This cycle, we retrieved 34 eggs.
28 were mature, and all 28 fertilized.
From those, we created 15 embryos.
After PGT-A testing, 9 embryos came back euploid, and 1 was labeled mosaic.

Ten tiny cells from those ten embryos traveled to Chicago for PGT-M testing with our DNA-specific probe. After two long, heavy weeks of waiting, we received the final results:

• 2 Non-carriers (genetically normal)
• 4 Non-affected carriers (like Jared and me—each carrying one copy of the HADHB mutation; one of these is also mosaic)
• 4 Affected carriers (carrying two mutations of the HADHB gene and affected by the same genetic disease as our sweet Jack)

We are deeply grateful for these results and the possibilities ahead. We don’t take this blessing lightly. Many families walk away from IVF with no viable embryos at all. Please keep those families in your prayers—that doors will open for them and that the children they long for will find their way home.

Our next step is our cycle review. We’ll meet with our doctor to map out the timeline for an embryo transfer. Because of my c-section with Jack and my upcoming gallbladder removal on December 22nd, the earliest we can transfer will likely be March or April. We’ll know more after our appointment on the 2nd.

This season of grief and waiting has brought anger, bitterness, and even questions about my faith. A few weeks ago in church, we sang a song that said, “You’re never going to let me down.” As those words echoed through the room, all I could think was, Well… sometimes You do. Because some days, it feels like Jack was taken from me—and I feel let down. I try to live kindly, work hard, do things the “right” way… but where did that get me? Heartache. A void that will never fully close.

Some days, the grief feels heavier.

When I hear Nora cry and say she’s “the only kid in her class without a brother or sister.”
When I see others welcome healthy babies they might not even cherish—or their third, fourth, fifth—without complications or fear.
It stings. It makes me angry, sad, jealous, and guilty for feeling all of that at once. And in those moments, I can’t help but wonder, What did I do wrong?

And yes, I know what people say: “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not your fault. These things just happen.”
Blah, blah, blah.

But then why Jack?
Why a condition so rare there’s no treatment?
Why only six days?

Holidays and birthdays feel different now. One of my best friends texted me on Thanksgiving to say she was thinking of us. She said something that hit me in the chest:

“You never had a Thanksgiving with Jack, but you also never pictured a Thanksgiving without him.”

That is exactly it. There’s always a missing piece. As everyone laughs, smiles, and celebrates, I often feel like a hollow version of myself—physically present, but somewhere else entirely. Wondering what Jack is doing in Heaven. Wondering if he misses us the way we miss him.

And so, we wait. 

We wait with hope.
We wait with fear.
We wait with anger, with love, with questions, with longing.
We wait for answers, for peace, for a sign that this road isn’t only pain and loss.
We wait—and somehow, we keep going.

For Jack, and for anyone else waiting-

If you’ve lost, if you’re waiting, if you’re holding both hope and heartbreak in your hands, you’re not alone. I see you.

I don’t have answers.

I only have the belief that love like this doesn’t end; it just changes shape.

Jack’s six days have changed every day of our lives, and that love—his love—keeps pushing us forward, even when it hurts.

Here’s to the waiting.
The quiet.
The aching.
The uncertain.
And the small flickers of hope that keep showing up anyway.